Perfect Peace …
“You will keep him in perfect peace. Whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”
-Isaiah 26:3
We received our first new case, and the emotions ran high. All the whys and fears came flooding in, the fear of another failed match, the fear of not being able to financially continue on this journey, the fear of thinking baby boy’s birth parents just used us and the adoption system to get a few months of housing and expenses paid for and then bailed 10 days before baby’s due date. But then, again, a verse came to my mind- Isaiah 26:3- and I was reminded of God’s steadfastness. I know that giving over my concerns and keeping my mind focused on Him is the only way to feel peace in the midst of these circumstances.
However, peace has been hard to find and giving over these concerns to God more difficult than it should be. Sifting through the case information is more challenging than it was before. On the one hand, I find myself wanting to say yes to every new case to quickly fill the void and our empty nursery. I’ve thought to myself, “God already has a plan, so what part do I even need to play in it? Why not just say yes to them all and let him play out the rest?” On the other hand, I find myself blinded by all the risks, even before reading the birth mom’s story. I am paralyzed when I look at the new costs we face and think about the funds we have lost, not just our money but the money we raised, the money our friends and family poured into this adoption to support us. Please know that every penny we have raised will be used to support our next match. I also find myself trying to calculate the risk, can we really afford to lose another $10,000 or more? Can we afford to spend more on our next match? But thankfully, I have a rational and loving husband who reminds me not to be a fatalist and that we still have an active role to play in this journey. And then my father sends Aaron the article he probably should have sent me from My Utmost for His Highest on Spiritual Dejection, and these words stood out:
“Every fact that the disciples stated was right (Luke 24:21), but the conclusions they drew from those facts were wrong. Anything that has even a hint of dejection spiritually is always wrong…What have I been hoping or trusting God would do? Is today “the third day” and He has still not done what I expected? Am I therefore justified in being dejected and in blaming God?…Yet we never realize that all the time God is at work in our everyday events and in the people around us.” -Oswald Chambers
This was so helpful and opened my eyes to see that my frustration was actually coming from being angry at how God handled our situation. I really have never been outright angry at God, I have never blamed Him for my circumstances or failures, but maybe there are times I have been angry and didn’t even realize it. I keep wanting to draw conclusions from the facts I see. God gave us a child whose parents would have had minimal involvement, but he would still have known who they were; he had brown hair and hazel eyes, this child would have probably looked just like us, it was everything we thought we wanted, but then God took him away. Again my thoughts took over, “God obviously doesn’t want us to have a child that looks like us, and what lesson do we need to learn? Haven’t we learned enough? After reading Chambers' article, I realized that is not the conclusion that God has for me in this, and that He wasn’t teaching me some life lesson in a cruel way. Honestly, I still don’t know what He is doing, but now I’m reminded that if I trust His goodness and His promises, and not what my own sinful nature is telling me, I will come to the correct conclusions. From experience, I know that God gives us the desires of our heart, but in His own time and in His own way, and sometimes those desires may be ones we didn’t even know we had until He meets them in some unexpected way. And what He has to offer is far better than what we were expecting or desired.
If, like me, you are struggling to understand God’s will for your life, let’s pray for each other to trust our Heavenly Father and remember that keeping our minds on His promises, mercy, faithfulness, and sovereignty is far better than drawing the wrong conclusions. Let’s pray for each other as we strive to do these things and find peace in the midst of our challenges. If you aren’t struggling with this, that is ok too! Please pray for me!! I need to be reminded daily of these things.
With love,
Tiffany and Aaron
